逃逸 Escape


那天早上聽到電台播放陳老師的《下個星期去英國》,思緒就這麼在嘈雜的環境下墜入了那一段往昔。

想起你唯一一次提過她的歌《九份的咖啡店》,兩首歌的歌詞細細聽來都在訴說著改變帶來的惆悵,然後我又再想起自己曾經如此信誓旦旦地說過,我的改變其實不多,改變的是你們。

何以當時我會那樣自信滿滿地說出那番話?雖然懷揣著那時的想法,我倒是可以猜到個大概,可是難道當初我就沒有過一絲絲考量,認為自己遲早,遲早都會被時光推移,翻動著沈重的肉身,並且悄悄改變了原本立定站好的位子?

我早已不知道你改變了多少,雖然我總是不斷地臆測著在那樣的大環境下你的變化,另一方面我卻很不願意想像著你粗暴言語或滿嘴市儈的模樣,即使是不得不的妥協與求存。

而我,又在這些靜默的小日子裡,隨著日月光輝移動了多少次影子?我是否仍舊是那個我?「那個我」又是哪一個我?是你眼中認識但其實並非誠實的我?還是我一如初衷秉持自己卻乖離你所看到的我?

下個星期,我又將逃離,帶著浪漫的心眼,和這些年來無法釋懷的空洞,學習著將狼狽的逃離慢慢挪移成更安適抒情的逃逸。



When I heard the radio playing Cheer Chen’s Go to England Next Week one morning, even surrounded by the noisy environment, my thoughts fell into the past at once.

I remember the only time you mentioned her song Coffee Shop in Jiufen. The lyrics of these two songs, if listen carefully, tell the melancholy brought by changes. And then I remembered that I once vowed to say that I have not changed much actually. You are the one changing.

Why would I have said that with such confidence at that time? I could guess about if I put myself back in that period, however, wouldn’t I have had the slightest consideration that, sooner or later, I will as well be moved as time goes by? That even my shouldered responsibilities and my original standing point will unwittingly change?

I already have no idea how much you change, although I always try to speculate the change in you in the big environment. On the other hand, I do not want to imagine you with a mouthful of vulgar words or in a state of philistine appearance, even they are your compromises for survival.

While living in the silent days, how many times have I changed myself? How many times has the shadow moved along with the sunshine and moonlight? Am I still the previous me? But which is “the previous me”? Is it the one you are familiar with but in fact I am never truly honest? Or the one I uphold to myself but in fact has deviated from what you know?

I am going to run away again next week. With romance in mind, and the emptiness that has failed to be relieved all these years, I am learning to slowly morph the awkward run away into a more comfortable and poetic way of escape.

(English translation by Syn)



延伸閱讀:下個星期去島國

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