逃逸 Escape

那天早上聽到電台播放陳老師的《下個星期去英國》，思緒就這麼在嘈雜的環境下墜入了那一段往昔。

想起你唯一一次提過她的歌《九份的咖啡店》，兩首歌的歌詞細細聽來都在訴說著改變帶來的惆悵，然後我又再想起自己曾經如此信誓旦旦地說過，我的改變其實不多，改變的是你們。

何以當時我會那樣自信滿滿地說出那番話？雖然懷揣著那時的想法，我倒是可以猜到個大概，可是難道當初我就沒有過一絲絲考量，認為自己遲早，遲早都會被時光推移，翻動著沈重的肉身，並且悄悄改變了原本立定站好的位子？

我早已不知道你改變了多少，雖然我總是不斷地臆測著在那樣的大環境下你的變化，另一方面我卻很不願意想像著你粗暴言語或滿嘴市儈的模樣，即使是不得不的妥協與求存。

而我，又在這些靜默的小日子裡，隨著日月光輝移動了多少次影子？我是否仍舊是那個我？「那個我」又是哪一個我？是你眼中認識但其實並非誠實的我？還是我一如初衷秉持自己卻乖離你所看到的我？

下個星期，我又將逃離，帶著浪漫的心眼，和這些年來無法釋懷的空洞，學習著將狼狽的逃離慢慢挪移成更安適抒情的逃逸。

When I heard the radio playing Cheer Chen’s Go to England Next Week one morning, my thoughts fell into the past at once even I was in the middle of some noisy surroundings.

I remember the only time you mentioned her song Coffee Shop in Jiufen. The lyrics of these two songs, if you listen carefully, are talking about the melancholy of changes. And I remember during the time, I swore it's not I who had changed much. You are the one that had changed.

Why would I have said that with such confidence at that time? I could guess about it now if I put myself back in that period. However, wouldn’t I have had the slightest consideration that, sooner or later, I would as well be affected as time goes by? That even my shouldered responsibilities and my original standing point would unwittingly be different?

I no longer have any idea how much you've changed, though I always try to speculate the changes you have had under the big environment. On the other hand, I don't wish to picture you as someone with a mouthful of vulgar words or who is so philistine, even I know they are your compromises for survival.

While living through the silent days, I asked myself: how much have I changed? How many times has the shadow moved along with sunshine and moonlight? Am I still the previous me? But which is “the previous me”? Is it the one you are familiar with, but in fact I'm never truly honest? Or the one I uphold to myself, but who actually deviated from what you have known?

I'm going to run away again next week. Bearing romance in mind, and the emptiness that has failed to be relieved all these years, I'm learning to slowly morph the awkward run-away into a more comfortable and poetic way of escape.

(English translation by Syn)

延伸閱讀：下個星期去島國